Nappy Boy...and Pretty Boy

This doesnt need much explaining. T Pain, rap nerds in high school, the ridiculous moment when the booty goes by and everything grinds to a halt. Pretty amazing. Happy holidays!

The Current Influx of I Love NY T-shirts in London

OK.....I'm not normally one to gripe about things which in the larger scheme of things don't really matter or have any relevance - OK, yeah I am............but WTF is with all these cats in London rocking I heart NY Tees?

If these cats had actually been to NY and loved it and got the tee then its all good, but 90% of the people are only rocking that shit cos some D-list celeb appeared in Heat Magazine coming out of Chinawhites at 3am high as a muthafucka rocking one....so they then thought "that's so cool" and went to Top Shop and brought one

Come correct with that shit.......This is Clapham Common not Central Park ni**az

I got an idea....I am going to start my own t-shirt range called "I heart pussy". I am going to rock that shit all the time and it will sell in droves. The difference is I do Heart pussy, I was born out of one and wanna die whilst in one......and not rocking it cos some guy that used to be on Hollyoaks but now mimes tunes of the Album Chart show wears one 5 days a week!!!!

rant over

One for Trill

He blows my mind.

Hip-Opera: A History

Having recently experienced the pure insanity and operatic drama of R Kelly's new series of Trapped In The Closet chapters, and once Id stopped laughing hysterically, I felt a strange tinge of deja vu. It was as if Id seen this all somewhere before, but couldnt quite place where.

Then, as Trillion and I were watching the VH1 Behind The Music special, 'The Isley Brothers: Dentures Are As Pimpin As Grills', it hit me. That R Kelly! He'd been working on scripts involving bizarre love triangles for years! The blueprint for TITC had been right under our noses all along. Ever since he worked on Kelly Price's forgotten video masterpiece 'Friend Of Mine' with none other than Ron Isley (and dentures) appearing in the starring role of old time gangster, Mr Big.

It has to be one of the most epic visual episodes in late 90's rnb, and undoubtedly one of director Hype Williams' finest moments.

A cautionary tale of love, loyalty and gangster living - a classic example of early hip-opera.

The Mike Strutter Quote of the Week

This guys words need to be etched in stone like the 10 Commandments or some shit!!!

On the subject of J.Lo he states: "I dunno what she is more famous for - her movies, her music or her ass. But one thing I am sure of - all 3 smell like fucking shit!!!"

Strutter for president!!!!

Wamp the Fuck

Any band that can make the most soulless and corporate "festival" such as the O2 Wireless Advert in the Park enjoyable need knighthoods. Daft Punk are ineligible of this rightful honour because of their Gallic-ness but are still the best thing to happen to French dance music in the last 1000 years, waaay better than Justice... I want to see them play live, unfortunately their rig alone costs a cool £125,000 to hire in and with their fee on top, the only way a promoter could put them on in London if it's on at the dome... Do it Goldsmith, do it!!!! Need more persuasion?
check this



www.eyebrowy.com - yeah, it got bumped pretty big in one of the broadsheets this week, but it still has it's good points... the end of this episode for example made me get all excited with Radiohead Geek Joy.


Charlie Brooker is also pretty high up on my list of people who are so fucking cool that you start to conjur up highly improbable ways you could meet them and ingratiate yourself into their 'matey mates' circle whilst clucking with joy on the bus in mid-thought. He's on that soon-to-be-axed-apparently BBCFour channel on Tuesday nights.

One more thing: THE SCALA IS SHIT!! The sound is fucking terrible. So bad it made me leave half way through a gig, walking away from one of my favourite producers, Prefuse 73, they also ruined a live band that you could see would be wicked at a decent venue, Chrome Hoof . Scala you Wankers! You've got a nice big venue, so spend some money on your fucking rig!

I LOVE PUSSY

Growing up is an interesting thing. On the surface it may seem like childhood is a simple time. Don't be fooled though, there is never again a period in your life when so much information is absorbed. As a child your mind is literally a sponge. Everything that happens to you during those early years shape you as a person. What I want to discuss is one of the most interesting traits of child development; pet preference. Much like South Africa during the cruel period of Apartheid, people are split into two groups. Cat people, and dog people. Of course, you will find some people who will proudly claim they love both. Do not trust these people. I class them in the same category as bi-sexual men. ie: a person simply not able to come to terms with the fact they prefer cock to cunt. Indecisiveness is a terrible trait in a human being. Note, I don't class bi-sexual women in this category, because a women that likes both plug and socket action is just plain sexy.

Pet preference is something programmed in at an early age, and like Lou Gehrig's Disease, it's usually hereditary. Your parents will most likely have a cat or dog in the house, and you'll learn to love the little scamp until he's eventually crushed beneath the wheels of a speeding DHL delivery van. You already know of course there "ain't no mountain high enough" to keep a DHL van driver from delivering his package on time, and that includes beloved family pets that wander into the road. Business is business. So, you return home from school one day to find out the beloved family pet has up and left you to live on a farm. The bastard. You vow to never again trust animals of the four legged variety, but try as you might, the seed is planted and eventually when you leave the nest to build your own life, you'll begin to crave to company of something small and furry.

I should say at this point, I have so far only mentioned dogs and cats. There are of course many other pet options in the world, however... If a person owns a spider/snake/lizard, they are clearly a goth. If they own a chinchilla/ferret/rat they are a hippie, and if they they own a rabbit/hamster/gerbil they are probably an 8 year old girl. As we all know already none of these groups of people should be trusted, especially 8 year old girls. Watch any 70's horror film to understand why. Oh, and if you own a tortoise then you are just fucking weird, because quite frankly what's the point of owning an animal that hasn't evolved in over 200 million years, hibernates 6 months of the year, and looks like a rock. At least you can use a real rock as a paperweight, or as a defensive weapon against a demonically possessed 8 year old girl.

Much like the geek debate of which is better, mac or pc, argument has raged for years on which is the better pet, cats or dogs. Where as the mac vs pc question can never be definitively answered (unless all the pc users were rounded up and shot - something I believe we should seriously consider), the fierce cat vs dog debate can - and I am here to settle it once and for all...

The best way to format the argument is using the same rating system you might employ when looking for a new partner.

Intelligence

Cats:

Very clever, quite possibly more clever than they let on. Have you ever seen a cat freak out when a postman delivers the mail? No, because it knows it's just the fucking postman!

Dogs:

Blue bus special. They run to fetch a stick even when you don't throw it. It will try and hump your leg. It will mistake it's own vomit for food. It doesn't even bury it's own shit - possibly because it plans on eating it later...

Maintenance

Cats:

Low. Even if you don't feed it it'll walk round until it finds someone that will. A cat is natures conman. Like a human conman, a cat carefully select it's mark and then takes full advantage of their kindness. Usually a flash of those adorable big eyes and the figure of eight style leg brush accompanied by a loud purr is all it takes to obtain all the food it can eat.

Dogs:

A dog needs exercise every day, usually in the form of a walk. However, much like supermarket trolley person, needs constant supervision in order to prevent it from just wandering off and never returning. It also requires you to follow it around with a plastic bag incase it decides to empty it's bowels. Personally I would cite evolution as a definitive reason I shouldn't be walking behind an animal in order to pick up it's rancid shit in an inside out tesco carrier bag.

Looks

Cats:

All kittens are cute. FACT! Even the sound they make is adorable. Mewww, Mewww. They just beg to be picked up and hugged. Cats are so devious it wouldn't surprise me if they hadn't evolved that way specifically to endear themselves to humans. I mean, lets face it, once a cat has entered the home and setup shop it's pretty much living on easy street. As they get older they lose little of their cuteness, aging like fine hollywood actresses.

Dogs:

I will admit, puppies are cute, at least some of them. One of those Andrex puppies for example. However, they grow up fast, and in a matter of weeks you have something looking more like a dog. No matter how nice a dog looks, it's hard to remove the images of shit from your head. It's like looking at a high class hooker. As amazing as she looks in that micro mini and halter top, you can't rid yourself of the image of her cute little box being stuffed with more bratwurst than a german hotdog concession. Enough to put anyone off. I'm talking about dogs again now, although the same applies to ladies of the night.

Cats - 4, Dogs - Nil.

So, what have we learned? Well, if you are looking for an addition to your household that's stupid, requires constant attention, will drool on all your belongings, and shit indiscriminately - then you might as well adopt a disabled child. At least they come with a sweet list of government hand outs that could help you afford that 50" Plasma you have had your eye on in Dixons.

Otherwise, like so much in life, the smart money is always on the pussy!

It's on...

The End of the Summer that never was

Do you think maybe we need some sort of an official announcement to make it very clear to everyone out there that winter has in fact arrived? Walking around London this week, even as temperatures dipped well below 13 degrees (disgracefully so), I kept spotting the lunatics who refuse to face the grim truth - there's no warmth left in the air… Guys, I know it's hard to accept but summer (or whatever that was) is truly well over by now and yes, that elusive Indian Summer rumour we all really wanted to believe in was just a myth…You stepped out wearing nothing much more than an optimistic smile but then turned a distinctive shade of translucent blue and started shaking uncontrollably - there's a bit of a hint for you… So please I beg you - let go of the shorts, flip-flops and tank tops, and PUT A GODDAM COAT ON! It's cold out there, man. The good news is, in just a few weeks we can all have a go at a sculpture like this one - yay!

Life Is A Rollercoaster

Walking up the street today I approached a bus stop surrounded by police cars and emergency services. A helicopter air-ambulance hovered high above the scene, and as I got closer I saw the cause of the commotion. Ten or twenty onlookers stood around as a boy no older than 15 lay in the street. A car, obviously involved in the incident stood looming above him, a teenager sized dent in the bonnet. As I looked down at the boy I realised the extent of his injuries. Both his legs were obviously broken, his face bloodied and all his front teeth missing. He was screaming in agony as the medical team strapped him up. I didn't stop to watch like the rest of the vultures, but proceeded down the road deep in thought. I was struck by a sudden but overwhelming depression. My mind buzzed. After witnessing a scene of such raw violence, I felt myself drained of emotion and strangely cold. Suddenly my trip the barber, which just 10 minutes earlier had felt so important, no longer did.

I continued along the street, convinced life was in fact futile and without purpose, and eventually entered the barber shop, staffed entirely with burley Turkish men. I sat down in the chair and stared at myself in the mirror, still emotionless. I waited for a member of staff to come over, but nobody even acknowledged my presence. They all stood huddled around a small television, bellowing deep genuine laughs and pointing crazily at the screen. One of them noticed me and motioned that I come over and look at the spectacle for myself. I broke gaze with myself in the mirror, got up and walked over to see what all the fuss was about. I'm not sure what I was expecting, but as I approached the screen I discovered what they were watching so intently. Children's BBC, tea time programming for kids was broadcasting an episode of Shaun The Sheep. These four fully grown men and myself stood there, sharing the moment, joined in laughter as we watched a TV programme aimed at a demographic at least 20 years our junior. For almost 20 minutes, we stood transfixed, unable to tear ourselves away from the comical adventures of a plasticine farm animal.

As the programme finished we dispersed, smiling broadly, filled with a silly post-laugh high I hadn't personally felt for weeks. It suddenly hit me. Life is a rollercoaster, although it may dip sometimes, it always comes back up.

Have a good weekend everybody and stay safe. Fo'sho out.

It's Competition Time...

Food for Thought

Last night one of my clients took me out to a posh restaurant for a business meeting and this would have been a fine and sweet experience, had it not been tainted by the fact I found out that he was a vegetarian. Not just a peaceful one either, but one of those who shriek anytime someone puts a formerly living creature in their mouth. What a joke I thought, as I glanced incredulously at his distinctly chubby silouhette. At least if you're gonna be a veggie, make it look like it's a health choice, doing you some good. I can dig Andre 3000 being a vegan, but that's about it. Why give up on meat if meat clearly isn't gonna give up on you? I made a point of ordering pork skewers, just to be controversial. You don't get meatier meat than pork, right, and this one was tender and juicy and slightly glazed in a sweet & sour sauce, which was hugely satisfying, but I digress....

Whilst I pretended to listen to my date, I reflected on the fact that meat is good. That's a biological fact. The world is a beautifully organised place: there's a system that says that if you are an intelligent enough creature to work out how to kill another creature, how to skin it, cut it up, season it and cook it for the greatest pleasure of your friends and family, you automatically earn the right to go ahead and do just that. It's called being top of the food chain. Somehow I don't see any animals having qualms about it in any other microcosms - a glance at any of David Attenbourough's documentaries confirms this. Lions don't think twice about butchering antilopes: they don't sit there and regret having to kill something so pretty. They don't waste time in little lion meetings to come up with an ethical way of getting their dinner. They don't make cute little banners claiming they'd rather go naked than wear antilope skin. They get on with it. But we are humans, and unfortunately our intelligence comes mixed with a certain degree of unrational emotion, which is why some people have managed to convince themselves that eating meat was a cruel thing to do, rather than an energy-boosting, perfectly natural process, and the best way to get your proteins.

Meanwhile other aberrations remain unchallenged in the modern day diet - dairy being one of them. I won't go too deep into this much-derided view of mine that milk products are evil right now, nor will I try and claim that we are all victims of a corporate dairy conspiracy (though we blatantly are!), but once again, let's look at the facts of nature: milk is for newborn cows, the same way breast milk is for babies. We are not supposed to drink it past infancy, and we're especially not supposed to have an entirely different species produce it for us on an industrial scale. What do we have in common with cows, for chrissakes? They have 4 stomachs, for a start. And you never see cows hanging off a human woman's teat, munching on oreos (though I'd pay good money to check that out).

I'll echo Dr Hwen's view on fad diets - it's strange to reflect on how much misinformation there is out there on what is good or bad for us. In the end I do think pandas have one the best deals around, in terms of having a very clearly determined diet and lifestyle. Eat bamboo, sleep. Get a little energy from your food, don't waste it all at once, conserve it to find more food later - after siesta time. Their lack of libido is my only concern (feeding them a couple of meatballs laced with viagra may be the answer to saving the species?) but other than that, what a straightforward way to enjoy life - I'd swap tomorrow, if I didn't think I was gonna miss my posh pork skewers so much.

Out of the Loop

Yeah, I'm out of the loop. It only hits home when you get into something you think is underground, and naturally you start bumping it to your friends like it's the next big thing, only to be told "that shit is old"

Point 1. Flight of The Conchords. Can across them on youtube last week. Starting talking big and hard, only to find out they're massive in the states, with their own HBO series. There was a double page feature in last week's Timeout too. Jeez. Anyway, their HBO series starts on BBC4 in the UK next week. It's all shit hot... Been a long time since I've found a genuinely amusing novetly / comedy music act.



Point 2. the new Flying Lotus, the Reset E.P. that's dropped on Warp. Hot Shit. Dubbed out hip hop from L.A... Playing set in the UK in November... Again, apparently Peterson being bumped this since '06.

Flying Lotus - Tea Leaf Dancers

Also, check the Fly-Lo's new old skool game Attack!!! @ www.flying-lotus.com

Point 3. The Mountains Goats, i know, they've been around since day dot, John Darnielle's fucked up like any good singer songwriter. I've been listening it pretty much non stop since my boy Pups put it on a mix CD. Apparently I'm the only one who didn't know...

The Mountain Goats - No Children

Next time, keep me in the fucking loop.

P.S. oh yeah, and this... Nice work Trilly.

"London is a melting pot" - my ass...

I was chillin in a car the other week with a few country bumpkins (from the outskirts of Cambridge). We got to talking about Notting Hill Carnival, and I relayed a grim story about how one of my friends witnessed a stabbing at carnival this year. The conversation then went as follows...
Bumpkin #1: "Yeah, it's pretty dangerous there."
Bumpkin #2: "Well, of course - it's full of blacks."
At this point, as I scrambled to pick my jaw off the floor, I couldn't help myself - I busted up into hysterical laughter. Who the fuck says that, let alone thinks it? What the hell century are we in? Bumpkin #2 awkwardly laughed with me, clearly oblivious as to why I was screaming with laughter. He really had no reservations because he genuinely thought it was an acceptable thing to say. Meanwhile, Bumpkin #1, realizing that there was a half-minority in the car, attempted to make a pathetic joke to cover up his friend's ignorance (something like "Uh yeah, of course there's black people there - like, imagine a Caribbean festival full of just white people!" *insert cringeworthy posh laugh here*).

All in all, it's a situation I've been stuck in countless times on this side of the pond: someone makes a outrageous prejudiced statement, and I laugh it off as this country's problem, not mine. When I first moved here and got hit with England's prevailing, overwhelming racism, I would self-righteously stick up for what I believe in (in one instance, I even told some closet racist I was half black to prove a point, and the cretin believed me - I'm half Japanese, bitch!). But these days, I just sit back and watch the comedy unravel. London, despite its exaggerated and unrealistic claims to be a fucking "melting pot" (if I hear that phrase one more time, heads will roll), is a diverse city overflowing with isolated people that secretly disdain, mock and scrutinize anything different from themselves. I went to college in Indiana, capital of Racism, USA - for example, a week before my classes started, the local high school cheerleaders dressed up in KKK costumes at a basketball game - and I experience far more racism here. At least twice a week someone will speak in mock Chinese/Japanese to me (ie. "sayonara" "ni hao"...some dude even yelled "sushi!" down the street the other day), and I constantly have to explain to people that yes, I do speak Engrish. Last year, someone threw a snowball at me and then asked, "What are you gonna do, Jackie Chan?" while busting out a few karate chops.

And while for the most part I find this shit hilarious, there are days when I'm just not in the mood. Today being one of them, mainly because I'm dealing with a hellacious champagne hangover, but also because on my walk/stumble into work this morning, some random builder hollered out "ching chong China!" I pointed at him and his witless builder friends and said, "Ewww, white people!" (sorry dad)
I'm scared that when I leave work they'll all be waiting for me in the parking lot with a burning wok.

Anyway, in response to Dr Hwen's hangover cure, I'm finding that my hangover declined slightly when I rediscovered Louie Austen today. So for any of you who may have a sore head, let Louie and Herbert heal all...

Louie Austen - Hoping (Herbert's High Dub)

Dr Hwen's Complete guide to surviving your hangover

So it is Friday morning and once again myself and several of my work mates are feeling the effects of the night before. Indeed so bad is it here that I have counted at least 3 separate trips by people rushing to pray to the porcelain god!

However, what has struck me most is the sheer number of methods that people swear by to help them get over their hangovers. Some, no doubt swayed by a clever advertising campaign, stick to downing one of these fowl things:Usually these are the same people who pontificate on same fad diet or other that they have read about that morning in the pages of Metro (clearly a place where anyone with half a brain takes impartial advice from???!!!!!???).

Then, slightly related, are the water only group. Frankly I seriously doubt that drinking litres of this:

will flush out all the damage done by drinking all your weekly allotted alcohol units in the space of a few hours and topping them off with a highly nutritious Doner Kebab.

To my mind there are things you are lacking the morning after a heavy night:

1. Energy (lets be honest passing out does not count as a good nights rest)

2. Salt (alcohol dehydrates you so you use up all the body salt and minerals)

3. Sugar (your blood/sugar level dips drastically when you drink)

You may also have a headache, which can be caused in part by dehydration and also some alcohol contains Tyramine.

So here is Dr Hwen's patented hangover cure all:

First off you need to sort out that pounding headache...so I suggest you just bosh 3 of these:That just leaves your energy and sugar levels. It is here that the bastion of American marketing comes in:

This will sort out your sugar levels right away and the added caffeine will give you that extra boost to wake you up.

Finally sort out your salt problem with a jumbo packet of:

By now you should be feeling sufficiently human again to make a decent effort at pretending to work (and by that I mean checking your facebook, myspace and reading various Internet blogs!) and make it through to that magical time (usually about 3 in the afternoon) when your hangover clears up and you get your second wind.....just in time for the weekend!!

Grime Time

So, I have a love/hate relationship with grime. It varies wildly between groundbreaking artists (your Dizzee's, Kano's, Sway's etc) and what can only be described as kids from my local estate shouting about their 'ends'. However in the middle of these two sides there is a wealth of good tracks. I recently picked up this compilation put out by Channel U and thought I would share some of the highlights with you. Enjoy!

The Frontlinerz-Down

Tinie Tempah-Hood Economics

NDubz VS Naa-NDubs VS Naa

Roll Deep-Celebrate

Wong-Not A Hater

this shit has got me perplexed

So today I am going to keep it relatively short.....no talking about Big Brother or celebrities flexing underage girls....this one is not a rant, but more an observation that has got me perplexed:

WHAT THE FUCK is up with girls who put fake tan on their legs but no where else on their body?!?!?!?!!!!!!

I don't get that shit.....I'd equate it to wannabe rappers who roll up one trouser leg - that shit is just retarded!!! Sort it out!!! Bottom half looking like Pocahontas and the top half looking like Snow White - it makes no sense!!!

Don't get me wrong....I'm not dissing fake tan (yeah its deceptive - but whatever - it looks good) but come correct!!!

This has been a Detain public service announcement

EDIT: So it has now come to my attention - after receiving 2 phone calls from members of the finer sex that the woman I saw was possibly wearing pantyhose and not fake tan. In answer to that, although its a possibility:

a) I know pantyhose when i see it
b) That shit sure looked like fake tan
c) It still looked retarded

What has got me further perplexed is that it looks like my so-called alias, which i thought was a clever play or words, is probably not as clever as i thought it was as people all seem to know who I am.......damn......hahahaha.....i don't care though there's no holding my tongue.......tomorrow u may get another fake tan story that's a little more personal - hahahha

D.

Incoming: Friday BANGER...

There can't be a better way to wake up in the morning than having Ricky Ross pour you a strong cup of coffee. Just imagine. I can practically hear the engaging, stimulated conversations that would follow, if an interview I read on SoundSlam is anything to go by...

SoundSlam: Rick, how are you doing?
Rick Ross: Just hustling.

SoundSlam: For a while, Hip-Hop has been about partying and diamonds. But it seems like Hip Hop is getting back to being grimy. With all these artists claiming to be hustlers, what makes you different?
Rick Ross: Cause I'm me. I represent the 305. Miami. I'm Rick Ross.

And there can't be a better way to kickstart the weekend than dropping the boss' new single. Some straight up epic shit.

Rick Ross - Trilla

I'll throw in another Rawws banger, because it's Friday. And also because I've entered myself in an eating contest at Cargo on Sunday (time for my American roots to shine, bitches - that prize is mine). The line "I weigh 300 pounds, and it's time to eat" will be the mantra that carries me to victory.

Montana Da Mac feat Rick Ross & Bun B - We Runnin The Streets

Please note that Rick Ross will forever change how you pronounce words ending in 'oss' - boss, floss, sauce, lacrosse, etc. He's also likely to make you name your firstborn son Ross (or is that just me?).

Big Brother's Samanda - WTF is this world coming to!!!!

Now then, I've had to hold back on dissing this year's series because I feel its a waste of the 2 minutes I would have spent typing about that shit when I could have spent the time better touching myself.....but WHAT THE FUCK!!!!! Its the last day of BB8 (yeah 8 - as it feels like this series has infected by TV forever) and I cannot hold back no more

They say that these "fine young ladies" (for want of a better term) are going to win this shit tonight which is shocking enough.....what has also shocked me as I found out today is that they have entered Big Brother as one entity that they have called Samanda (see what they have done there - clever huh!!!). What is that all about??? Is it so their combined IQs are now high enough that they can be considered one person, or is it that the 2 of them combined might now be fuckable

Guy's probably look at pictures like this and think "hmmm.....twins!!!" Don't fall for that shit....you're putting the twins on a pedestal - take the twins off a pedestal for fucks sake

Now.....don't get me started on this guy!!!! Big Brother need to sort it the fuck out - they are misrepresenting brothers everywhere......why can't they have a black person on that show that is slightly normal and a little bit intellectual - I'm not asking for a rocket scientist here

Why is the guy here in a tie - Ni**a please - u ain't got no job, and u never been to school!!! I am fucking hoping he is fronting like everyone says he is - I haven't watched it enough to see, but HOW THE FUCK does the guy not know who Shakespeare is if he went to school!!! and they guy also says that the moon is bigger than the universe!!! damnnnnn

Big Brother sort it the fuck out please get a normal black guy on your show!!!

YOU KNOW WHAT - FUCK IT!!!! I am going to enter into Big Brother next year, it will be a first - the first black guy on BB with a degree. I'll be like Samanda and enter myself and my cock into the contest, but as one person. My cock is big enough to be considered as a separate entity, but smart enough and cute enough that I want it to be considered part of me!!! My cock also knows who William Shakespeare is, and also Charles Dickens!!! hehehe

fuuuuuucks sake

BIG BROTHER - SUCK MY COCK!!!!!!!!

I only have eyes for Wu...

This promoter had balls, throwing big numbers and taking a massive punt of and dozen egos and a crackhead...



and here's a tune I like to play out, a filthy remix of a effing tune.

Wu Tang Clan Ain't Nutin' To Fuck With (Fucked Wit) - Bird Peterson Remix

I wish I could "develop the negative into a positive picture"...

Hot damn, my eyes are bleeding.
Last week I got curious to see what Lauryn Hill was up to, besides hating white people, and I found this picture. L Boogie. What the fuck happened? As far as I remember, she didn't have a drug problem...maybe a slight problem with the Bible but I'm not sure if that book of fairy tales would really affect her fashion decisions so badly. Or her ability to perform - apparently at her last Oakland concert back in June, the madwoman was huffing, puffing and wiping profuse sweat with a black handkerchief (see exhibit B below).


Voice cracking, talking some crazy (said to the concert-goers: "I can’t fit into a stereotype that makes me comfortable for you. If that makes me feel uncomfortable to you, I need to find some new company"), coming on 2 1/2 hours late and singing 'Ready Or Not" over techno - it apparently got so bad that, only 4 songs into the show, over 100 people had demanded refunds for their $90 tickets.

Ah, yet another sad story of fame gone wrong. Damn shame though, to this day her lyricism remains unparalleled...

picture me nappin' in my 500 Benz

wish this was me right now...

I do it for the kids

As a condition of my most recent parole, I need to do 20 hours of community service a month. I chose to go to camps, daycare centers and elementary schools dressed as "Needles the Clown" to entertain the children. My P.O. seemed fine with the idea.

So last week was my first visit to Briar Ridge Day Care. I get all prepared, rehearsed, dressed and show up as Needles. Now they tell me I need to find another way to fufill the 20 hours a month. WTF?

Battle of the inventors

Who would win in a fight....Thomas Edison or Benjamin Frankin? They were both brilliant inventors but more importantly, who would whoop whose' ass?

We'll know soon. I've enlisted the help the most brilliant inventors the most prestigious academic institutions the United States has to offer (Boces, Chubb, RonCo) They are currently working on an ambitious project to resurrect the dead men. The details of the project are top-secret, but I can tell you it involves approximately 2 dozen slinkys and a wiffle-ball bat dyed blue with food coloring.

Once reanimated, the men will be brought up to date on all advances to modern science, politics, culture and international relations since their respective demises (Edison 1931), (Franklin 1790) then placed in a ring provided by WWE's Vince McMahon to fight it out in "Twelve rounds of utter chaos and brute force".

After the fight, both men will be shot to death so they don't stand in the way of development on George Foreman's latest grill/flashlight/fishing rod device.

The Weak Ruin It For Everyone

The Japanese Arcade game Arm Spirit has been recalled from 150 game emporiums across Japan as a precaution for the weak to not injure themselves.

"We think that maybe some players get over-excited and twist their arms in an unnatural way," a spokesman said. "The machine isn't that strong, much less so than a muscular man. Even women should be able to beat it," company spokesman Ayano Sakiyama told AP news agency. Arm Spirit gamers advance through 10 levels, pitting their strength against a French maid, a drunken martial arts master and a Chihuahua dog before reaching the final challenge - a professional wrestler.

I hear the last game that was recalled from a Japanese Arcade was Amsterdam Spring Break 2K7: Redlist District because of a herpes outbreak that spread across Tokyo arcades after a visit from Deter Jeter. If you having trouble knowing if this affects you please refer to the chart below.

Nature, Get A Fucking Move On!

What is the fucking point of nose hair?? All it does grow there, looking ugly, and make my nose itch. I'm sure that back in prehistoric times it had some ultra clever purpose. Perhaps it was designed to help block the foul genital stench of the knuckle dragging cavewhore you were trying to bang, but not anymore. Thankfully these days the kind of girl I chase has neither dragging knuckles, or a smelly cooch, thanks to the advent of 400,000 years of evolution, and developments in the labs of Sure deodorant. I think in these fast paced times we should stop waiting for nature to do it's job and start looking for artificial ways of simply speeding up evolution.

My personal wishlist would go something like this:

Multiple orgasms (why should women get all the fun?).

Better bladder control. Required these days especially since 24 hour drinking was introduced.

Shark like teeth that simply regenerate and replace themselves, because all dentists are CUNTS.

Some kind of pocket, like a Kangaroo has to store loose change and my Oyster card.

An extra pair of eyes so I can look at two websites at the same time.

And finally, NO FUCKING NOSE HAIR!

It's an alien

From the 'Trapped In The Closet' screening last week...




One of these days I'll get around to posting something non-Kells - but until then, you can feast your eyes on three brilliant R articles I found:
* Hillary Brown's Nature Vs Nurture
* Mr Show Biz's Magnum Opus
* Hattie Collins Meets R Kelly

Fuck it, here's something for your feet too - do your 2-step to what's possibly the most ridiculous T-Pain remix yet...
Kells & Ush feat T-Pain - Same Girl (remix)

Lovely Musicology

Quite recently, I spoke ill of dwarves - and I also spoke ill of the Almighty - so I guess it's ironic that a few nights ago, a Jesus-freak purple clad midget made me wanna go back to Church and thank God (or some similar fictional figure).... He may be a Jehovah witness nowadays, and the quality of his last album may be highly questionable to say the least, but I'll worship him for a good while longer without any doubt.
I am speaking of course of the-artist-now-known-again-as Prince, hero of my childhood, spirit of my first erotic dreams, creator of the soundtrack to my life. On stage in London, this little dude really had me in a trance - working up a Black Sweat alright. "It's Friday night - do you know what I'm gonna do to this place?" - not so much a question to the audience as a mission statement. The mighty Maceo Parker led the early proceedings with the enthusiasm of a high priest on acid, the crowd was frantic....Dude, I actually had tears in my eyes at one point, I was that happy.
With over 25 years worth of material, there was plenty at this gig to keep the most discerning of Prince fans happy. For me the experience was almost religious (though with a deliciously heathen twist of course). "I don't care where we go, I don't care what we do..." It must have been an epiphany. Somehow thoughts flooded my mind about the genius of man, the power of music, the rights and wrongs of getting older, the importance of memories, the poetry of each moment. I wouldn't have gotten this deep on LSD, I'm quite sure. I'm going back to he 02 church to pray at the LoveSymbol-shaped altar again as soon as possible.

HATER'S CORNER: Rich Kids

This entry is a one-way ticket to Haterpalooza...my favorite 365-day-long festival.

Earlier, as I painfully tried to budget out the remaining pre-paycheck days by the penny (my masochistic daily ritual), the floodgates of hate opened wide and washed over the idea of: trust fund babies. My first target was Lily Allen, always an easily-aimed bulls eye on the hate radar. Last week in the Metro, in a front page article needlessly obsessing about whether or not her visa was rejected (give. a. fuck), there was of course the pervasive sentence about how "Allen found fame via myspace." Right. I'm sure her media-frenzied father and his ride-worthy coat tails had nothing to do with it. Funny how Lily Allen became the world's latest rags-to-riches story ("she comes from the streets!"), when daddy's blatantly got mad money in the bank. I highly doubt her cankles were ever covered in rags. The girl has an admirably brash attitude - but she ain't gangsta, contrary to her hideous ear-splitting collab with Dizzee or her insistence that she knows all about hyphy...oh wait, but there were all those nights in the ghettos of Notting Hill.

Speaking of which, YoYo have spread the rich kid epidemic to the big apple, equipped with Aaron LaCrate (trustfunded midget moonlighting as a Bmore thug) and my next spoon-fed victim: Mark Ronson, celebrity party DJ and song-plunderer extraordinaire. I personally wee'd myself when Geoff Barrow spazzed out on the Portishead myspace blog the other day. Amen to that. I'm still having seizures from Ronson's funky-white-boy take on Radiohead's poignant 'Just'. That atrocity was worthy of an ass-whooping - but I suppose his freakshow of a family is punishment enough. Oh the glamorous, the flossy flossy...

Meanwhile, on the other side of the equation, bless Amy Winehouse for keeping it real. She may also be guilty of hacking into everything that's already been done musically, but at least she ain't a trustafarian (her dad's a taxi driver). I feel for Amy because I'd probably swing in the exact same direction as her (maybe without writing a foreshadowing/ironic song about rehab first) if ever I did actually have that much money to throw around.

Plus I always liked this beat...
Amy Winehouse feat Ghostface Killah - You Know I'm No Good

Well Intentioned Wrongness

Edu-Comics? Most my education on Paedophilia was through being told that Mr. Mowe was a kiddy filddler. THAT's how kids should learn, not like this...







Such well intentioned wrongness.

I'm too tired to give this a title, so just watch it instead.

more merchandise....

we could also start selling these joints in the merchandise section....they would fly off the shelves fo' sho' - perverts everywhere will want one.....but only satin will do - none of the fake plastic shit

R.Kelly has actually requested that these masks be made in a sweat shop.......not to save money but he wants them created by the bare hands of a girl under the age of 15!!!

"I'm no angel here, but I'm no monster either..."

I saw someone wearing this tee on Friday and felt thoroughly inspired...maybe we should set up a WAMP merchandise section?

Wilmer Whateverthefuckhisnameis

Continuing with the stars general debauchery with underage gash theme - my new chump to get dissed this week is Wilmer Valerranananajnsndsndnsdnsand. This guy played the weird guy Fez in that 70's show - a character he played a little too well....after the show ran its course he then tried to get to his street roots with his own show on MTV - Yo Momma.

This guy gets his honourable mention in this blog cos of his 2 celebrity girlfriends - probably the only 2 girls he has fucked in his life. The first being an then underaged Mandy Moore.....after she dumped the chump he then moved to a underaged Lindsey Lohan.....once again she kicked his punk ass to the curb

Whats with this guy and underage gash?!?!?! Guy is like 30something.....Dakota Fanning needs to watch the fuck out!!!

Wilmer Vanmmaddkdskfdsolfdgkdfgkdfdf - YO MOMMA!!!!!!

The best $10 I ever spent

Gas, Break, Dip

I have to say I'm loving VBS TV right now.

First, I got totally addicted to 'Thumbs Up!' which follows Korean-American ex-con art superstar David Choe hitching around the States. (New Orleans is probably my favorite episode...another good one is when they ride a blow-up boat down the Mississippi, for real).

And then this little gem appeared as part of the VBS Music World series.

It's called 'Bay Area Rap Daddy'. Pretty radical title for starters. But watch for the 'Hyphy 101' t-shirt featured about 2 mins 50 in. AMAZING. I nearly broke through the screen trying to get my hands on it.

Anyway, the episode features a lot of next-level insight into the hyphy movement, inlcuding a great dance breakdown featuring about 15 of the sisters of one rapper, dancing in his living room.

Enjoy.

Really though, I NEED that t-shirt...

Does UK hip hop have hope, after all?

Youtube find of the day.

oh shit

i just watched a sneak preview of the new trapped in the closet chapters (actually chapter 12.5) and oh that kells! we not only get a recap of the first 12 chapters (with kells in the background) but you get a preview flash of the upcoming chapters. there will definitely need to be a chicago screening with london on via teleconference when it comes out. t-minus 10 days and counting...

Thank God it's Friday

Those of you who were raised under the oppressive umbrella of religion will remember Fridays back in the day, when you had to make sure you went to mass in the morning and also had to eat fish rather than meat, as a symbolic sacrifice in honour of Jesus (who by the way never declared himself to be a vegetarian, as far as I know - I'm sure he would have enjoyed a kosher hot dog or two...) Those memories have left me slightly traumatised, I must say. I am glad to leave them far, far behind me.

I stopped being interested in the Almighty when my religious studies teacher, who happened to be a nun with far too thick a moustache to ever be taken seriously, told me the reason women cannot become priests in the Catholic faith is that "God has other plans for them". That's bullshit, right. What plans are these - period pain maybe? Even this bunch of ugly ladies agrees with me.

Anyway, nowadays Fridays are a much happier occasion, usually the eve of spectacularly debauched celebrations...It's also the day when you're allowed not to do too much at work because, you know, it's almsot the weekend... It's definitely the day when you get sent most of the sometimes-funny-sometimes-not silly jokes from all your like-minded friends and colleagues. My all time favourite has got to be this no-more nails classic - thought you'd appreciate it.

If you are in Leicester square around 6 pm saturday evening (heaven forbid), may you take part in my new game. It's most amusing! You'll need a partner, or accomplice depending on how you view it. It's called.... UP WEST CLOTHES. Yay!

How you play is like this... You are either on the boys team or the girls team.

If you are on the boys team, you are on the look out for men wearing the rather cliché "UP WEST" outfit - white shirt, blue jeans and brown shoes.

If you are playing for the girls you're looking for cheap floaty dresses with sparkly or metallic strappy shoes.

You get a point for each, first one to 10 wins. If you spot a person from the other team before your partner, they lose a point.

In all seriousness, you will not believe how many people dress this way and how quickly the game finishes. good luck!

I Wanna Poo Poo, I Wanna Pee Pee

As you may have noticed WampCamp covers all things R Kelley and that includes court cases about him peeing on things 10 years ago *Cough Cough 14 year old girls Cough Cough* E! says:

A Chicago judge has announced Sept. 17 as the start date for the trial. The case has dragged on as prosecutors and defense attorneys sparred over various issues, including the timeline when the X-rated home movie was made, and which evidence was admissible. In the interim, the "I Can Believe I Can Fly" crooner has released seven albums, including Double Up in May, and continued to tour.

I don't know what big deal is. R Kelley has peed on me many times. Most of the video is on YouTube and you don't see me complaining. Just for the record if R Kelley loses this court case then the terrorists win.

David Lee Roth Pony

David Lee Roth Pony

Leaky Leaky...

God bless the internet - 5 tracks in and the hype is oh so valid (so far anyhow)

Kells and...Cells?

Truth is damn stranger than fiction. Probably the best evidence imaginable: Celine Dion has decided to make an RnB album. That's right. And she's lined up Timbaland, Ne-Yo and R Kelly (obvs the album would just be 'nB' without R) for the shocker. Timbaland's been acting slightly eccentric recently, but Dion's a full-on unabashed embrace with crazy. M.I.A. did say in a recent interview that he'd said, "I'm done with being cool; I want to work with Celine Dion." But I suppose that's fair enough, 'Come Around' is enough to put anyone off the supposed "cool"(cough). Anyway, I'll be all over this shit when it's out in October - I just hope Cells will let Kells direct the videos.

How do you go from Cee-lo to Celine? Answers on a postcard...
Cee-lo Green feat Timbaland - I'll Be Around

Hot Doug's

I don't care what anybody says... Chicago is the absolute king of fast food. Only certain places in Wisconsin can even be compared to the kind of filthy excess and disgusting eating habits of the Chicagoan. It pretty much obliterates all competition. I have never been anywhere on the planet with nearly as many Vienna Beef hot dog stands, taco burrito kings, pizza restaurants, gyros factories, etc... the list goes on, and on, and on, and on, and on. What would you like today? A fucking fried twinky? I can get you one of those.

Other cities have pizza joints that claim to have "Chicago-style" pizza. This is a total falsehood. Never in my life have I encountered a restaurant outside of Chicago that has captured the TRUE essence of Chicago-style pizza. Nowhere else can you buy a 15-inch pizza with three vertical inches of cheese stuffed within cheese, layered over a buttered pastry crust. Nowhere is the excess quite as glorious. Granted, I imagine that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE has exported this phenomenon to some other city and made a killing for offering a service so unique. However... the list of examples is probably a short one.

Some fast food joints around the city even offer a kind of multi-culti, all-in-one grease-festival that only a city as culturally diverse as this could. Where else can you find a singular location to offer burgers, tacos, hot dogs, gyros, pizza and chinese food in one? I know a place. This one place right by my house even features burgers, fries... and fucking bi bim bop!? Whose fucking idea was that?!

Anyways, for the most part, its a pretty awful phenomenon. Is it so wrong to desire a quick, accessible meal that doesn't make you feel like you've been swimming laps in a pool of toxic waste while being fed raw sewage intravenously? I don't think so.

HOWEVER... there are those days, like today for example, where nothing would more perfectly remedy your mid-day hunger than a chardonnay-infused rattlesnake sausage with blackberry creme fraiche and Saint Nectaire cheese. Rest assured, you live in Chicago... and this is completely attainable.

Enter Hot Doug's: The Sausage Superstore and Encased Meats Emporium. This is quite certainly among the world's finest establishments. One glance at the daily specials hosted on line is enough to destroy all thoughts of the turkey sandwich you brought to work from home in favor of some incredible, 600-calorie sausage monstrosity. Its just too easy.

Take a look for yourself and enjoy.

The sausage gods have blessed this city with eternal tastiness.

Blueberry venison sausage?



Duck foie gras?


It's all good!