I LOVE PUSSY

Growing up is an interesting thing. On the surface it may seem like childhood is a simple time. Don't be fooled though, there is never again a period in your life when so much information is absorbed. As a child your mind is literally a sponge. Everything that happens to you during those early years shape you as a person. What I want to discuss is one of the most interesting traits of child development; pet preference. Much like South Africa during the cruel period of Apartheid, people are split into two groups. Cat people, and dog people. Of course, you will find some people who will proudly claim they love both. Do not trust these people. I class them in the same category as bi-sexual men. ie: a person simply not able to come to terms with the fact they prefer cock to cunt. Indecisiveness is a terrible trait in a human being. Note, I don't class bi-sexual women in this category, because a women that likes both plug and socket action is just plain sexy.

Pet preference is something programmed in at an early age, and like Lou Gehrig's Disease, it's usually hereditary. Your parents will most likely have a cat or dog in the house, and you'll learn to love the little scamp until he's eventually crushed beneath the wheels of a speeding DHL delivery van. You already know of course there "ain't no mountain high enough" to keep a DHL van driver from delivering his package on time, and that includes beloved family pets that wander into the road. Business is business. So, you return home from school one day to find out the beloved family pet has up and left you to live on a farm. The bastard. You vow to never again trust animals of the four legged variety, but try as you might, the seed is planted and eventually when you leave the nest to build your own life, you'll begin to crave to company of something small and furry.

I should say at this point, I have so far only mentioned dogs and cats. There are of course many other pet options in the world, however... If a person owns a spider/snake/lizard, they are clearly a goth. If they own a chinchilla/ferret/rat they are a hippie, and if they they own a rabbit/hamster/gerbil they are probably an 8 year old girl. As we all know already none of these groups of people should be trusted, especially 8 year old girls. Watch any 70's horror film to understand why. Oh, and if you own a tortoise then you are just fucking weird, because quite frankly what's the point of owning an animal that hasn't evolved in over 200 million years, hibernates 6 months of the year, and looks like a rock. At least you can use a real rock as a paperweight, or as a defensive weapon against a demonically possessed 8 year old girl.

Much like the geek debate of which is better, mac or pc, argument has raged for years on which is the better pet, cats or dogs. Where as the mac vs pc question can never be definitively answered (unless all the pc users were rounded up and shot - something I believe we should seriously consider), the fierce cat vs dog debate can - and I am here to settle it once and for all...

The best way to format the argument is using the same rating system you might employ when looking for a new partner.

Intelligence

Cats:

Very clever, quite possibly more clever than they let on. Have you ever seen a cat freak out when a postman delivers the mail? No, because it knows it's just the fucking postman!

Dogs:

Blue bus special. They run to fetch a stick even when you don't throw it. It will try and hump your leg. It will mistake it's own vomit for food. It doesn't even bury it's own shit - possibly because it plans on eating it later...

Maintenance

Cats:

Low. Even if you don't feed it it'll walk round until it finds someone that will. A cat is natures conman. Like a human conman, a cat carefully select it's mark and then takes full advantage of their kindness. Usually a flash of those adorable big eyes and the figure of eight style leg brush accompanied by a loud purr is all it takes to obtain all the food it can eat.

Dogs:

A dog needs exercise every day, usually in the form of a walk. However, much like supermarket trolley person, needs constant supervision in order to prevent it from just wandering off and never returning. It also requires you to follow it around with a plastic bag incase it decides to empty it's bowels. Personally I would cite evolution as a definitive reason I shouldn't be walking behind an animal in order to pick up it's rancid shit in an inside out tesco carrier bag.

Looks

Cats:

All kittens are cute. FACT! Even the sound they make is adorable. Mewww, Mewww. They just beg to be picked up and hugged. Cats are so devious it wouldn't surprise me if they hadn't evolved that way specifically to endear themselves to humans. I mean, lets face it, once a cat has entered the home and setup shop it's pretty much living on easy street. As they get older they lose little of their cuteness, aging like fine hollywood actresses.

Dogs:

I will admit, puppies are cute, at least some of them. One of those Andrex puppies for example. However, they grow up fast, and in a matter of weeks you have something looking more like a dog. No matter how nice a dog looks, it's hard to remove the images of shit from your head. It's like looking at a high class hooker. As amazing as she looks in that micro mini and halter top, you can't rid yourself of the image of her cute little box being stuffed with more bratwurst than a german hotdog concession. Enough to put anyone off. I'm talking about dogs again now, although the same applies to ladies of the night.

Cats - 4, Dogs - Nil.

So, what have we learned? Well, if you are looking for an addition to your household that's stupid, requires constant attention, will drool on all your belongings, and shit indiscriminately - then you might as well adopt a disabled child. At least they come with a sweet list of government hand outs that could help you afford that 50" Plasma you have had your eye on in Dixons.

Otherwise, like so much in life, the smart money is always on the pussy!