The End of the Summer that never was

Do you think maybe we need some sort of an official announcement to make it very clear to everyone out there that winter has in fact arrived? Walking around London this week, even as temperatures dipped well below 13 degrees (disgracefully so), I kept spotting the lunatics who refuse to face the grim truth - there's no warmth left in the air… Guys, I know it's hard to accept but summer (or whatever that was) is truly well over by now and yes, that elusive Indian Summer rumour we all really wanted to believe in was just a myth…You stepped out wearing nothing much more than an optimistic smile but then turned a distinctive shade of translucent blue and started shaking uncontrollably - there's a bit of a hint for you… So please I beg you - let go of the shorts, flip-flops and tank tops, and PUT A GODDAM COAT ON! It's cold out there, man. The good news is, in just a few weeks we can all have a go at a sculpture like this one - yay!

Life Is A Rollercoaster

Walking up the street today I approached a bus stop surrounded by police cars and emergency services. A helicopter air-ambulance hovered high above the scene, and as I got closer I saw the cause of the commotion. Ten or twenty onlookers stood around as a boy no older than 15 lay in the street. A car, obviously involved in the incident stood looming above him, a teenager sized dent in the bonnet. As I looked down at the boy I realised the extent of his injuries. Both his legs were obviously broken, his face bloodied and all his front teeth missing. He was screaming in agony as the medical team strapped him up. I didn't stop to watch like the rest of the vultures, but proceeded down the road deep in thought. I was struck by a sudden but overwhelming depression. My mind buzzed. After witnessing a scene of such raw violence, I felt myself drained of emotion and strangely cold. Suddenly my trip the barber, which just 10 minutes earlier had felt so important, no longer did.

I continued along the street, convinced life was in fact futile and without purpose, and eventually entered the barber shop, staffed entirely with burley Turkish men. I sat down in the chair and stared at myself in the mirror, still emotionless. I waited for a member of staff to come over, but nobody even acknowledged my presence. They all stood huddled around a small television, bellowing deep genuine laughs and pointing crazily at the screen. One of them noticed me and motioned that I come over and look at the spectacle for myself. I broke gaze with myself in the mirror, got up and walked over to see what all the fuss was about. I'm not sure what I was expecting, but as I approached the screen I discovered what they were watching so intently. Children's BBC, tea time programming for kids was broadcasting an episode of Shaun The Sheep. These four fully grown men and myself stood there, sharing the moment, joined in laughter as we watched a TV programme aimed at a demographic at least 20 years our junior. For almost 20 minutes, we stood transfixed, unable to tear ourselves away from the comical adventures of a plasticine farm animal.

As the programme finished we dispersed, smiling broadly, filled with a silly post-laugh high I hadn't personally felt for weeks. It suddenly hit me. Life is a rollercoaster, although it may dip sometimes, it always comes back up.

Have a good weekend everybody and stay safe. Fo'sho out.

It's Competition Time...

Food for Thought

Last night one of my clients took me out to a posh restaurant for a business meeting and this would have been a fine and sweet experience, had it not been tainted by the fact I found out that he was a vegetarian. Not just a peaceful one either, but one of those who shriek anytime someone puts a formerly living creature in their mouth. What a joke I thought, as I glanced incredulously at his distinctly chubby silouhette. At least if you're gonna be a veggie, make it look like it's a health choice, doing you some good. I can dig Andre 3000 being a vegan, but that's about it. Why give up on meat if meat clearly isn't gonna give up on you? I made a point of ordering pork skewers, just to be controversial. You don't get meatier meat than pork, right, and this one was tender and juicy and slightly glazed in a sweet & sour sauce, which was hugely satisfying, but I digress....

Whilst I pretended to listen to my date, I reflected on the fact that meat is good. That's a biological fact. The world is a beautifully organised place: there's a system that says that if you are an intelligent enough creature to work out how to kill another creature, how to skin it, cut it up, season it and cook it for the greatest pleasure of your friends and family, you automatically earn the right to go ahead and do just that. It's called being top of the food chain. Somehow I don't see any animals having qualms about it in any other microcosms - a glance at any of David Attenbourough's documentaries confirms this. Lions don't think twice about butchering antilopes: they don't sit there and regret having to kill something so pretty. They don't waste time in little lion meetings to come up with an ethical way of getting their dinner. They don't make cute little banners claiming they'd rather go naked than wear antilope skin. They get on with it. But we are humans, and unfortunately our intelligence comes mixed with a certain degree of unrational emotion, which is why some people have managed to convince themselves that eating meat was a cruel thing to do, rather than an energy-boosting, perfectly natural process, and the best way to get your proteins.

Meanwhile other aberrations remain unchallenged in the modern day diet - dairy being one of them. I won't go too deep into this much-derided view of mine that milk products are evil right now, nor will I try and claim that we are all victims of a corporate dairy conspiracy (though we blatantly are!), but once again, let's look at the facts of nature: milk is for newborn cows, the same way breast milk is for babies. We are not supposed to drink it past infancy, and we're especially not supposed to have an entirely different species produce it for us on an industrial scale. What do we have in common with cows, for chrissakes? They have 4 stomachs, for a start. And you never see cows hanging off a human woman's teat, munching on oreos (though I'd pay good money to check that out).

I'll echo Dr Hwen's view on fad diets - it's strange to reflect on how much misinformation there is out there on what is good or bad for us. In the end I do think pandas have one the best deals around, in terms of having a very clearly determined diet and lifestyle. Eat bamboo, sleep. Get a little energy from your food, don't waste it all at once, conserve it to find more food later - after siesta time. Their lack of libido is my only concern (feeding them a couple of meatballs laced with viagra may be the answer to saving the species?) but other than that, what a straightforward way to enjoy life - I'd swap tomorrow, if I didn't think I was gonna miss my posh pork skewers so much.

Out of the Loop

Yeah, I'm out of the loop. It only hits home when you get into something you think is underground, and naturally you start bumping it to your friends like it's the next big thing, only to be told "that shit is old"

Point 1. Flight of The Conchords. Can across them on youtube last week. Starting talking big and hard, only to find out they're massive in the states, with their own HBO series. There was a double page feature in last week's Timeout too. Jeez. Anyway, their HBO series starts on BBC4 in the UK next week. It's all shit hot... Been a long time since I've found a genuinely amusing novetly / comedy music act.



Point 2. the new Flying Lotus, the Reset E.P. that's dropped on Warp. Hot Shit. Dubbed out hip hop from L.A... Playing set in the UK in November... Again, apparently Peterson being bumped this since '06.

Flying Lotus - Tea Leaf Dancers

Also, check the Fly-Lo's new old skool game Attack!!! @ www.flying-lotus.com

Point 3. The Mountains Goats, i know, they've been around since day dot, John Darnielle's fucked up like any good singer songwriter. I've been listening it pretty much non stop since my boy Pups put it on a mix CD. Apparently I'm the only one who didn't know...

The Mountain Goats - No Children

Next time, keep me in the fucking loop.

P.S. oh yeah, and this... Nice work Trilly.

"London is a melting pot" - my ass...

I was chillin in a car the other week with a few country bumpkins (from the outskirts of Cambridge). We got to talking about Notting Hill Carnival, and I relayed a grim story about how one of my friends witnessed a stabbing at carnival this year. The conversation then went as follows...
Bumpkin #1: "Yeah, it's pretty dangerous there."
Bumpkin #2: "Well, of course - it's full of blacks."
At this point, as I scrambled to pick my jaw off the floor, I couldn't help myself - I busted up into hysterical laughter. Who the fuck says that, let alone thinks it? What the hell century are we in? Bumpkin #2 awkwardly laughed with me, clearly oblivious as to why I was screaming with laughter. He really had no reservations because he genuinely thought it was an acceptable thing to say. Meanwhile, Bumpkin #1, realizing that there was a half-minority in the car, attempted to make a pathetic joke to cover up his friend's ignorance (something like "Uh yeah, of course there's black people there - like, imagine a Caribbean festival full of just white people!" *insert cringeworthy posh laugh here*).

All in all, it's a situation I've been stuck in countless times on this side of the pond: someone makes a outrageous prejudiced statement, and I laugh it off as this country's problem, not mine. When I first moved here and got hit with England's prevailing, overwhelming racism, I would self-righteously stick up for what I believe in (in one instance, I even told some closet racist I was half black to prove a point, and the cretin believed me - I'm half Japanese, bitch!). But these days, I just sit back and watch the comedy unravel. London, despite its exaggerated and unrealistic claims to be a fucking "melting pot" (if I hear that phrase one more time, heads will roll), is a diverse city overflowing with isolated people that secretly disdain, mock and scrutinize anything different from themselves. I went to college in Indiana, capital of Racism, USA - for example, a week before my classes started, the local high school cheerleaders dressed up in KKK costumes at a basketball game - and I experience far more racism here. At least twice a week someone will speak in mock Chinese/Japanese to me (ie. "sayonara" "ni hao"...some dude even yelled "sushi!" down the street the other day), and I constantly have to explain to people that yes, I do speak Engrish. Last year, someone threw a snowball at me and then asked, "What are you gonna do, Jackie Chan?" while busting out a few karate chops.

And while for the most part I find this shit hilarious, there are days when I'm just not in the mood. Today being one of them, mainly because I'm dealing with a hellacious champagne hangover, but also because on my walk/stumble into work this morning, some random builder hollered out "ching chong China!" I pointed at him and his witless builder friends and said, "Ewww, white people!" (sorry dad)
I'm scared that when I leave work they'll all be waiting for me in the parking lot with a burning wok.

Anyway, in response to Dr Hwen's hangover cure, I'm finding that my hangover declined slightly when I rediscovered Louie Austen today. So for any of you who may have a sore head, let Louie and Herbert heal all...

Louie Austen - Hoping (Herbert's High Dub)

Dr Hwen's Complete guide to surviving your hangover

So it is Friday morning and once again myself and several of my work mates are feeling the effects of the night before. Indeed so bad is it here that I have counted at least 3 separate trips by people rushing to pray to the porcelain god!

However, what has struck me most is the sheer number of methods that people swear by to help them get over their hangovers. Some, no doubt swayed by a clever advertising campaign, stick to downing one of these fowl things:Usually these are the same people who pontificate on same fad diet or other that they have read about that morning in the pages of Metro (clearly a place where anyone with half a brain takes impartial advice from???!!!!!???).

Then, slightly related, are the water only group. Frankly I seriously doubt that drinking litres of this:

will flush out all the damage done by drinking all your weekly allotted alcohol units in the space of a few hours and topping them off with a highly nutritious Doner Kebab.

To my mind there are things you are lacking the morning after a heavy night:

1. Energy (lets be honest passing out does not count as a good nights rest)

2. Salt (alcohol dehydrates you so you use up all the body salt and minerals)

3. Sugar (your blood/sugar level dips drastically when you drink)

You may also have a headache, which can be caused in part by dehydration and also some alcohol contains Tyramine.

So here is Dr Hwen's patented hangover cure all:

First off you need to sort out that pounding headache...so I suggest you just bosh 3 of these:That just leaves your energy and sugar levels. It is here that the bastion of American marketing comes in:

This will sort out your sugar levels right away and the added caffeine will give you that extra boost to wake you up.

Finally sort out your salt problem with a jumbo packet of:

By now you should be feeling sufficiently human again to make a decent effort at pretending to work (and by that I mean checking your facebook, myspace and reading various Internet blogs!) and make it through to that magical time (usually about 3 in the afternoon) when your hangover clears up and you get your second wind.....just in time for the weekend!!

Grime Time

So, I have a love/hate relationship with grime. It varies wildly between groundbreaking artists (your Dizzee's, Kano's, Sway's etc) and what can only be described as kids from my local estate shouting about their 'ends'. However in the middle of these two sides there is a wealth of good tracks. I recently picked up this compilation put out by Channel U and thought I would share some of the highlights with you. Enjoy!

The Frontlinerz-Down

Tinie Tempah-Hood Economics

NDubz VS Naa-NDubs VS Naa

Roll Deep-Celebrate

Wong-Not A Hater

this shit has got me perplexed

So today I am going to keep it relatively short.....no talking about Big Brother or celebrities flexing underage girls....this one is not a rant, but more an observation that has got me perplexed:

WHAT THE FUCK is up with girls who put fake tan on their legs but no where else on their body?!?!?!?!!!!!!

I don't get that shit.....I'd equate it to wannabe rappers who roll up one trouser leg - that shit is just retarded!!! Sort it out!!! Bottom half looking like Pocahontas and the top half looking like Snow White - it makes no sense!!!

Don't get me wrong....I'm not dissing fake tan (yeah its deceptive - but whatever - it looks good) but come correct!!!

This has been a Detain public service announcement

EDIT: So it has now come to my attention - after receiving 2 phone calls from members of the finer sex that the woman I saw was possibly wearing pantyhose and not fake tan. In answer to that, although its a possibility:

a) I know pantyhose when i see it
b) That shit sure looked like fake tan
c) It still looked retarded

What has got me further perplexed is that it looks like my so-called alias, which i thought was a clever play or words, is probably not as clever as i thought it was as people all seem to know who I am.......damn......hahahaha.....i don't care though there's no holding my tongue.......tomorrow u may get another fake tan story that's a little more personal - hahahha

D.