Jessica Alba would TOTALLY do me

I happen to know Jessica Alba would TOTALLY do me if she knew I existed.

Moona Lisa

This is Nick. He did a stencil on the wall of Cargo on Friday
















Nick's from Bristol and has being doing stencils since back way back...
















His daughter helped him out. The stencil took him just under an hour.


















I got asked twice as I was taking the photos...

"is that Banksy?"

I said "no."

Is it wrong to hate little guys?

Well I reckon R Kelly would have been proud of the way I had managed to squeeze all of my junk in an undersized trunk the other day, as I swayed down the tube station, smiling to myself and thinking that anyone walking behind me was probably getting hypnotised…Sure enough, I ended up feeling like someone's eyes were litteraly burning through my ass - imagine my surprise when I turned around to find a "little person" (I believe that's one of the acceptable terms) positively staring at my behind, which of course happened to be right at eye level for him, the little bastard.
I couldn't help feeling flustered and a little annoyed - and a little guilty right after that, let me reassure you. The issue was not so much that the guy checking me out was a dwarf (though to be fair that does not necessarily call for a great amount of bragging, despite the assumptions often made about little people's sexual capabilities and appetite), but the fact that he was doing it with that sort of "watchyagonnado" air of someone who knows he's beyond criticism, by virtue of being part of a minority.
It got me wondering - would it be entirely unacceptable for me to slap him on the back of the head and mutter "what you looking at, you pervy little freak?" - yeah, probably. And yet, should I not expect that in the same way we full-growns teach our men not to throw themselves at women's boobs everywhere, little mammas tell their boys that it's not polite getting so far up a girl's ass you don't even know?
One of the things I adore about living in the post-feminist age is that I can pretty much tell any guy who's getting on my nerves to jog on, regardless of how much flirting I may or may not have indulged in with him previously: as a 21st century girl, that's my prerogative. And yet, some men remain immune from our wrath, because we somehow feel a little sorry for them, or uncomfortable about making our views known to them: the dwarves, the disabled, the old, the seriously ugly…Now that can't be right.
I say, let's stop with all the political correctness. Let's call pervy little dwarves exactly that, let's tell the seriously ugly to get out of our face, let's tell the Disabled Jewish Black Lesbian who just got on the carriage that she ain't getting this seat, sister, because I wants it. And whenever some freak manages to make us feel as bad as the asshole who harrassed my girl Samantha the other night, let's remember we remain in control of our bodies and minds no matter what.
Surely there's a place for honesty, even when it's directed at someone who may feel victimised because of what I have to say. I say tough luck, shorty. Now get out of my ass.

P.S: I should probably add that I do have some love for all you dwarves, jews, blacks, disabled and lesbians out there. Of course I do.

"And every time I scratch my scalp, I get this gook of nasty dandruff under my nails." - Tyra Banks

Speaking of reality shows done right, I nominate 'American's Next Top Model.' Fill a room with egomaniacal women and it's like entropy: no scripts or gimmicks needed, the madness unfolds effortlessly. And of course the lunatic Tyra Banks is like the cherry on top of the chaos cake.

Has anyone ever seen Tyra freak the fuck out? Bitch be crazy. I love when she gets all gangsta out of nowhere, neck snapping wildly as she talks about her mama...

Watch 'em swing, watch 'em swing...

I woke up this morning thinking about E-40. It's not often I rise with thoughts of the Ambassador of the Bay, but today my first concious thought was: why hasn't hyphy kicked off in the UK? With genres like dubstep/dnb/grime being so prevalent on UK airwaves and dancefloors, isn't it strange that the hard-hitting, bass-heavy, electronic-fused sounds of crunk and hyphy aren't understood here? Across the Atlantic, support reaches all the way to the Oscars. On this end, Londoners are always asking me who Lil' Jon is (i.e. asking me mid-crumpet "Pardon me love, but pray tell - who is this Lil Jon bloke you always go on about?"). And when Shadow came through town a couple weeks ago, everyone and their media dog was panting about their hate (read: misjudgement) of 'The Outsider.' I mean, how could you watch this video and NOT want to dedicate your life/career to stunna shades and shakin' dreadlocks?



Great retaliatory shout from Shadow: “At that point in my career, I was looking to do something different and didn’t really care what people thought, so I began to reach out to the people involved, trying to make something happen. As far as I’m concerned this movement comes in two halves: before 'Tell Me When To Go' and after. That’s why I was so glad to make my mark before it really crossed over. I remember last year driving through Oakland, I’d just released 'Three Freaks' and heard a bunch of kids coming out of school singing it. That was fantastic, because, when you think about it, who would you rather make hip-hop for — men in their thirties or the kids who are really part of it?”

Whenever I ask UK-based people about their lack of love for regional stateside hip hop, I tend to get some sort of lackluster response along the lines of "In the UK, we support UK music." Hmm. I've got reservations about UK hip hop personally. Icey so coldly (and beautifully) once put it: UK hip hop is a fucking parasite. I'd say it's more like US hip hop's little brother, an underdeveloped carbon copy that hasn't quite figured out its place in the real world yet. I want to patronizingly pinch its cheeks and ruffle its hair like, "aww, look - it thinks it's a veritable genre, how sweet." But that's a story for another day. Today is payday, after all - as such, I'll leave you with this banger...

Lil' Jon feat Three 6 Mafia - Act A Fool

Sometimes the filth in London is just too much for me to handle...

So the other evening I am coming home on the Tube after a night out with some friends. Ok - well that isn't that interesting... but at a certain point, my journey home took a turn for the worse as I was standing at the train doors in anticipation of my approaching stop: someone comes up behind me and starts to pant heavily in my ear, telling me how beautiful I am, as he proceeds to grind himself up against me.

I was wearing leggings.

And I could feel everything.

I was stunned, frozen, and couldn't react - it was a very out-of-body experience because all women will tell you that if they are being harassed (and most of the time, by the other sex), they will vehemently react in the most aggressive and violent way; because, after all, this is a violation of your physicality, and some would argue, the very essence of yourself as a woman. Yet when it's actually happening to you, it's very difficult to instantaneously pull yourself together in the span of the 30 seconds that it actually takes place, and freak right the fuck out.

Well, as soon as the train doors opened, and fortunately my train pulled into the station seconds after this non-member of the human race commenced acting out his most personal and vile fantasies on me, I booked it out of the train and cried the entire way home.

I know I'm not the only one that this has happened to, and in certain cultures, everyday commutes are fraught with this kind of unacceptable misbehaviour: Japan immediately pops into my mind where they have apparently created women-only cars to deal with the issue, but I find myself wondering why these actions are perpetuated here in a Western setting, and why no one on the Tube ever seems to notice and if they do, are too fearful to speak up, or just utterly and completely jaded by the state of affairs in the Big Smoke.

Which leaves us with very few and rather unrealistic options: a rather militant, feministic approach when it comes to dealing with dudes like my new best pervert, or the typical English stiff-upper lip reaction where one must cope, no matter what the circumstances. Neither really appeal to me.

Do me a favour though - next time you see me scared shitless on the Tube because some creep has decided my ass is going to be his shiny, brand-new tool of masturbatory choice, help a sister out.

Thoughts, anyone? Or more like food for thought...

Meet the Angel of Death

Meet the new unofficial Angel of Death, Oscar the cat. It seems this wacked-out little fucker can sense when somone is about to die and shows up just in time. No one is really sure if Oscar is present for people's last earthly moments to comfort them or make sure the job is done. Since I hate cats (except pan-seared in olive oil), I like to think this guy is like the Pauly Walnuts of the cat world and he's the last face you'll ever see for a reason.

Can I get a lil' bit of L-O-V-E?

In the spirit of the ongoing freestyle-rnb-athon, I have a further question relating to the KP and Enyvi video: is the love interest in the video a Bone thug? I have a suspicion it's Layzie Bone, but Im not 100%.

Exhibit A is the new Bone Thugs N Harmony video. Is Layzie Bone (wearing rad skeleton outfit in the clip) the same guy who plays the tenderoni in Swing My Way?

BTNH's new vid is for a track called 'Lil' Love'. It claims to 'feature' Mariah Carey. Refusing to merely 'feature', clearly Mimi proceeds to take over the whole show, complete with 'MC' marble inlaid flooring and all her classic moves: outfit changes, one-sided facial close-ups while lying on a couch, photoshopped leg shots, and insane Louboutin heels.

I love the way Mariah has fully embraced her status as slow jam queen. You might compare her to a female R Kelly on some levels. I dont know another female artist who would dream up an alter-ego named Mimi with which to re-launch herself into the public eye following a mental breakdown. She just dont give a what. Truly epic fabulosity.

But yeah, any thoughts on the Layzie Bone situation, holler...

Random Wiki - La Catedral

La Catedral prison

This season on HBO's hit series Entourage, the main character Vince films the movie Medellin about the life of Pablo Escobar. After watching this episode a few weeks ago my curiosity kicked in and I wanted to know about the man who Forbes magazine listed as the 7th richest person in the world in 1989. Below is the excerpt I found most interesting.

In 1991, after declaring an end to a series of previous violent or terrorist acts meant to pressure authorities and public opinion, Escobar turned himself in to the Colombian government in order to avoid extradition to the United States or assassination by a rival cartel. Escobar was confined in what became his own luxurious private prison, La Catedral, which he was allowed to build for his confinement in return for turning himself in. He negotiated an agreement with the Colombian government whereby he would be jailed for a mandatory five-year sentence and guaranteed no extradition to the United States, if he stopped any further drug trafficking activities. Before Escobar gave himself up, the extradition of Colombian citizens had been prohibited by the newly approved Colombian Constitution of 1991.

However, La Catedral prison was actually more of a country-club fortress, and he showed little regard for the sanctity of his sentence there. There have been allegations, many of them unconfirmed, that he was often seen outside of the jail: shopping in Medellín or at parties, soccer games, and other public places.^{[citation needed]} After an account appeared in the local media showing photos of his lavish jail/residence and claiming that he had murdered several business associates (the Moncada brothers) when they came to meet him at La Catedral, public opinion forced the government to act. When the government attempted to move Escobar to another jail on July 22, 1992, he escaped, fearing that he could be extradited to the United States.

So the moral of the story is if you have to go to prison just cut a deal with your government that allows you to build your own prison.

Below is the link to Pablo Escobars Wiki page.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pablo_Escobar

Reality show's done right

In England, we have Big Brother where a bunch of wannabe celebrities get put in a house together. The most exciting thing that happens is that someone calls someone a name they shouldn't (which I am not condoning people!) and then gets evicted......

Now in the U.S they do things differently, they take a bunch of people who want to be professional fighters, put them in a house together, give them access to alcohol and we get to watch the results....ladies and gentlemen I give you the genius that is 'The Ultimate Fighter'.

Here is a clip to show what (inevitably) happens when their name calling starts....


when can we get these into the Big Brother house....that would make it more exciting!!

One more tune...

All this talk of Ghost Town DJ's, KP & Envyi and such has got me jonesing for more of this sort of sweet, freestyle/r&b perfection. But seriously, the third installment in this stylistic trifecta is undoubtedly Inoj's "Let Me Love You Down." I've probably rocked this very three-song combo no fewer than 50 times before body-to-body Wicker Park bars full of writhing hipster girls. Its just too easy. Its a 1-step solution for drunken, bar-wide insta-karaoke.

Unfortunately, I couldn't find a video for it so the youtube link essentially just acts as a one-track mp3 player in this case. Its all good though - the jam still rocks.

It also deserves note, particularly for some of you UK folk who may not have received the entire breadth of the 80's-early 90's R&B phenomenon on that side of the Atlantic, that this track was lifted from a Ready For The World (them of "Oh Sheila" fame) tune of the same name. This video hits unfathomable levels of cheesiness and really makes you realize that without the tougher drums, this song is simply not as effective at halftime. The slap bass is pretty hot though and homeboy's got an unfuckwithable jheri curl.

KP & Envyi

Watching the Ghost Town DJs video, just made me think of this song (probably because I was cruising around on Easter with my friend listening to a mix cd with both songs on it!). I'll also include a bonus version by the C High Color Guard, because i think it really gives the original a run for it's money! or it might be WAY WAY BETTER!

Haterology 101

Ooh. I'm having one of those days where the hate just comes too easy. Maybe it's the weather, as Icey Cold was saying earlier, seeing as how sunshine feels like something of the past. Global warming can kiss my fine ass - it ain't SHIT! When is the 'warm' part coming into play? Waiting at the rainy bus stop earlier, amongst the curious blend of tight-lipped suited people and far-gone alcoholics slugging Stella (welcome to London), I found myself eavesdropping in on a conversation about Facebook. FACEBOOK. Dunno why, but that shit well and truly freaks me out. Who would willingly give that much personal information out? First Facebook, then microchip implants. In other unrelated rants, first the smoking ban, next the government will be regulating the number of pints you can drink per night "for health reasons." 1984, anyone? Not to get all political on your asses, but some days I can't help but feel like we're like little ants jumping from screen to screen - from flashing billboards to the computers in our cubicles to the phones we never let out of our sight (the new found callus on my thumb is testament to how many texts I send out) to the horror of images we call television, and so forth. So there I was, on a stinking bus, thinking all of this when suddenly the book I'm reading started speaking to me: "Historical fact: people stopped being human in 1913. That was the year Henry Ford put cars on rollers and made his workers adopt the speed of the assembly line. At first, workers rebelled. They quit in droves, unable to accustom their bodies to the new pace of the age. Since then, however, the adaptation has been passed down: we've all inherited it to some degree, so that we plug right into joysticks and remotes, to repetitive motions of a hundred kinds." (Jeffrey Eugenides)

So I will end this shitter of a day with three words: FUCK HENRY FORD.
Hopefully all will be better tomorrow when last weekend's comedown has finally subsided and my serotonin levels are nicely leveled out. Til then, rant over, exit stage left...

Chicago erects spiraling, serated razor cock

... Not that this is really current news to anyone, but in the next 3 years, Chicago will be home to a giant, spiraling phallus known as the Chicago Spire. Believe me, this building is a really fucking cool, unparalleled architectural marvel - I just find it funny that it comes packed with such weighty Freudian subtext.

The city of Chicago, in all its glory, suffers from a permanent, unwavering inferiority complex. The fact is that few outside the United States think of Chicago as a real center of international intrigue. New York hovers over Chicago's subconscious like some kind of accomplished older brother it will never live up to. Afterall, its not actually called 'The Windy City' because it is windy; its called 'The Windy City' because its people don't shut the fuck up about how great it is.

When new towers are constructed in cities like Dubai that dwarf Chicago's previously world-renowned architectural accomplishments like the Sears Tower and John Hancock Building, plans are quickly put in place to re-establish our spot on the international radar as the world's most outlandish skyscraper mecca.

So hear you have it... Chicago's newest penis in a skyline littered with them. The soon-to-be-latest entry in the global big dick contest. Chicago's 150-story boner.

Jacco Macacco Celebrated Monkey Gladiator

I spend alot of time wandering around on Wikipedia. Why you ask? For a combination of reasons. A mild case of ADD combined with a curious mind that absorbs useless knowledge like a sponge. But most importantly because I have an unsatisfying desk job. So today I bring your my first post of The Random Power Of Wiki.

Jacco Macacco Celebrated Monkey Gladiator.

The English were always keen for something new to challenge their dog fighting breeds. This resulted in rather strange fights, in part with completely surprising outcomes. 'Dog versus Monkey' was shown to be such a match-up.

The monkey proved to be a formidable opponent for the canine warrior; owners and handlers of fighting dogs frequently underestimated the monkey's abilities. The monkey's intelligence, dexterity, unorthodox fighting style and gameness proved to be overwhelming for many canine opponents.

His mode of attack or rather of defence was to present his back or neck to the dog and to shift or tumble about until he could lay hold on the arm or chest, when he ascended to the windpipe, clawing and biting away, which usually occupied him about one-and-one-half minutes and if his antagonist was not speedily withdrawn, his death was certain. After the bait the monkey exhibited a frightful appearance, being deluged with blood. The toughness and flexibility of his own skin rendered him impervious to the teeth of the dog. After fighting several battles in this manner, Jacko, improving his style from experience, changed his system of tactics and adopted the plan of jumping upon his adversary's neck, where with greater security and perfectly at his ease, he dispatched his opponent in normally three minutes.

I think we can all agree that Jacco is not only a hero to all Monkeys but to all of England. I believe to be fact that if Jacco were to have fought Maximus in the move Gladiator he would have destroyed him with the stick he was provided. This brave Gladiator should have been Knighted long ago. So today we salute you Jacco Macacco.

Here is the link to the Wiki page. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Monkey-baiting

It's On

Say what you will about Billboard (dry - as - the - sahara - rag - chronicling - the - final - gasps - of - a - bloated - anachronism perchance? Just a thought) but when they bring us news like this... let's just say it puts things in perspective.
C'mon, there's a character called Randolph for fuck's sake...

Welcome to Atlanta, where the players play

In light of the insanity that has apparently come to pass for British 'summertime' (see above), don't it make you yearn for the good old days? The days of real summer? Like they seem to have in Atlanta - all cookouts, humidity, battyriders and Jermaine Dupri. Possibly a Bone Thug or two.

Why, me and Junk were rolling around town just the other day, when the natural summertime urge to bust out the bikinis and gratuitously lather up the jeep grabbed us...only for the vibe to be dampened by a sudden downpour. Sad.

I guess it falls once again to the A.T.L to showcase what a real summer should look like.

Ghosttown DJs, we salute you...

This is all I know, it's bang bang...I hustle and slang slang.

I saw this on CMU today and had to share. Mainly because no one else can sing like Ja (man's like a nightingale), but also because I remember the behind-the-scenes for 'Uh Oh' being particularly worthy of awe...


JA RULE AND LIL WAYNE ARRESTED ON FIREARM CHARGES
Rappers Ja Rule and Lil Wayne have both been arrested for carrying illegal firearms in New York though, despite the fact the two hip hoppers recently collaborated on the track 'Uh Oh', it seems the two arrests stemmed from separate incidents. Perhaps local police were going for the complete set.

Ja Rule, real name Jeff Atkins, was arrested after a weapon was found in his car after he was stopped for speeding. Lil Wayne, real name Dwayne Carter, was found in possession of a pistol when detained for smoking dope.

Neither rapper has yet commented on their respective charges. Though one assumes that when the cops discovered their allegedly illegal weapons the words 'Uh Oh' might have been uttered. Well, they might.

God dammit......I hate these fuckers - if my journey thru central London wasn't bad enough - I now have these guys to contend with. I'm all up for free shit - I love free shit, but when i want it I'll take it - I don't want it forced into my hand - especially when I am holding 5 bags of shopping and don't even have a hand free!!!!

Don't get me wrong - I'll sometimes read that shit if i have nothing to do on the tube ride home, but they will always frantically try and force them into your hand like their life depends on it, like some $5 ho that needs to give those last few blow blowjobs so she has enough £$£$ not to get 5 shades of shit knocked out of her by her pimp..........fuck that shit!!!!

They are now added to the things that make my daily journey thru west end hell: the people trying to join you up to charities - especially those that walk right in your path and follow you down the street....that £5 a month u pay doesn't even start reaching its destination for over a year....I've been able to squash this one by responding to the girls "if you ain't asking me for a date I don't wanna know" (actually got a few numbers out of it), and telling the guys to straight FUCK OFF; my other issue is the bitch from Scientology that gets in my face everytime i walk past Goodge St, bitch gets right in my grill.....anyone that gets within headbuttable distance like that deserves to get knocked the fuck out...hmmmmm one day. Once the Beckham's join those fuckers its game over - sheep will sign up in droves.....then maybe they'll have enough money to buy that intergalactic spaceship and fuck off!!!

Rant over - feel a lot better now (well until i make my west end journey)

Anyways in keeping with the R Kelly theme I need something to make me laugh - so i am currently turning my speakers up and cranking this video at work

peace

D.

it's the effort that counts...

It's the effort people make to publish a clever phrase they've come up with down the pub, put it in context and up around bus stops, that makes you say, "yes, well done, good job. The bus fare is rather too much isn't it? £2 to get down the road, a see through plot to force people to use a rather obvious surveillance system, dochareckon?"

We could all rally together, rise up and slide on whilst the exit doors on the 67 are open, but the disapproving stares from honest fare payers that you have to put with all journey makes it barely worth the saving.

Oh well, apparently they're taking away the Free Bendy Bus aswell, a.k.a. the biggest transport loop hole since people worked out you could walk the chunnel. Bastards

'Oh...my...God! Look at her.....'

Now while I can't say I love R Kelly as much as some of the members of this blog (you know who you are!), the man does have an uncanny ability to come up with euphemism's for 'doing the bad thing' or in his own words....'sticking the key in the ignition'.
However there was one song where he forgot all about that and just told it straight up, like it is. Yes, 'Feeling On Yo Booty' is not a subtle tune and in honour of this I give you this mash up by the man DJ Ayres combining it with another distinctly un-pc classic by Sir Mixalot: 'Baby Got Back'.
Get those booty's ready now......
R Kelly Vs Sir Mixalot-Baby Got A Feelin On Her Booty (DJ Ayres Remix)

The Tim & Eric Awesome Show!

Have you seen the Tim & Eric Awesome show on Adult Swim? This is positively the most insane piece of television programming you're likely to find anywhere these days. I could spend the next half hour attempting to explain why it is so hilarious and likely fail miserably due to the seemingly random, irreverent nature of the show. You just can't describe idiocy like this. It amazes me that something so mind-fuckingly stupid and subversive could be considered popular but its also thrilling to know that there are indeed accessible forums for this brand of bat-shit lunacy...

Gravy Robbers


Get A Poke On!


Sports

She be callin' you Kelly, when your name is Tommy...

The first time I laid eyes on a R Kelly mannequin, his lyrics popped in my head: ' You make a right on L, make a left on O, come to a green light and that's when you can go. You keep straight on V, until you come to E, that's when you see a big sign that says "Welcome to Love Street."' It was love at first sight, and I've been camped out on Love Street ever since. I've spent many a bored/hungover (I'm rarely the former, usually the latter) afternoon googling how to buy or rent one - and I finally stumbled across this. What I wouldn't do for a life-size sexasaurus doll...Imagine it as an addition to your living room, occasionally giving his weather predictions ("the forecast today is love is all around"), maybe even spouting off some musings about space ("ten to zero, blast off here we go, we'll be climaxing until we reach Mercury"). I think every household kitchen should have one custom-built next to the oven. It would also work well as an addition to every family dinner, a nude Kells quietly chillin there as you say grace (god knows I don't say grace - but if I did, it'd be fucking great to have Kells there too). Shit, actually costumes would be a must. I could throw on one of those random zorro masks from the 'Hotel' vid, or maybe a pair of those weird-ass sunglasses R's been flexing recently, or have it hold a Beretta a la 'Trapped In The Closet.' My friends and I discussed the prospect of it being a nice garden feature, if it was equipped with a golden shower function (obvs Kells' specialty). But then we decided it would probably be best used as a urinal, for irony's sake.

Lemme know if you catch sight of an Ush mannequin anywhere, so I can fulfill my dream of reenacting scenes from the 'Same Girl' video.