She be callin' you Kelly, when your name is Tommy...

The first time I laid eyes on a R Kelly mannequin, his lyrics popped in my head: ' You make a right on L, make a left on O, come to a green light and that's when you can go. You keep straight on V, until you come to E, that's when you see a big sign that says "Welcome to Love Street."' It was love at first sight, and I've been camped out on Love Street ever since. I've spent many a bored/hungover (I'm rarely the former, usually the latter) afternoon googling how to buy or rent one - and I finally stumbled across this. What I wouldn't do for a life-size sexasaurus doll...Imagine it as an addition to your living room, occasionally giving his weather predictions ("the forecast today is love is all around"), maybe even spouting off some musings about space ("ten to zero, blast off here we go, we'll be climaxing until we reach Mercury"). I think every household kitchen should have one custom-built next to the oven. It would also work well as an addition to every family dinner, a nude Kells quietly chillin there as you say grace (god knows I don't say grace - but if I did, it'd be fucking great to have Kells there too). Shit, actually costumes would be a must. I could throw on one of those random zorro masks from the 'Hotel' vid, or maybe a pair of those weird-ass sunglasses R's been flexing recently, or have it hold a Beretta a la 'Trapped In The Closet.' My friends and I discussed the prospect of it being a nice garden feature, if it was equipped with a golden shower function (obvs Kells' specialty). But then we decided it would probably be best used as a urinal, for irony's sake.

Lemme know if you catch sight of an Ush mannequin anywhere, so I can fulfill my dream of reenacting scenes from the 'Same Girl' video.