R Kelly's in space!

It's true - read all about it: http://www.news.com.au/dailytelegraph/story/0,22049,23328864-5001028,00.html

Gotta say, as exciting as it is to imagine Kells singing for the 'Trapped' "aliens" (remember THIS?!), I'm a little disappointed with the selection. I wish they'd chosen a more appropriate song, I mean it was so obvious...

R Kelly - Sex Planet

Easy Target Of The Month: Color Me Badd

Color Me Badd's ‘I Wanna Sex You Up’ is the most non-threatening, passive sex song ever. What an opening line: “Come inside, take off your coat, I’ll make you feel at home.” Now that’s just plain courteous yo! Oh Color Me Badd, it’s just as we remember: pastel suits, shoulder pads, designer stubble and that weird dance which looks like an escapology routine. The lead singer looks like a more feminine version of Bridgette Nielson who thought pencil eyebrows were the way to go, then there’s the guy who seems to be the weird amalgamation of George Michael and Laura Bush who’s not only straightened his hair but blow dried it out too…

I've put the 'live' 'performance' of their 'hit' below. The crowd seemed to be so embarrased by the act they barely pay any attention to the fiasco going on, and just cut some some rug to 'some bird singing on a soul record'



Now obviously a lot of what went on during the early 90's falls under the disclaimer 'fuck off it seemed cool at the time' but I've got a strong recollection of Color Me Badd and even in the innocence of my youth, I knew they were fucking weird.

(Teck) Tonic Youth

Last summer Yoann, my super-hip 17 year old French nephew was dismayed to hear that I had never heard of Tecktonik, the new-ish dance craze apparently sweeping my native France, with the heart of the movement in the capital Paris where impromptu dance-offs are taking place everywhere from La Defense to the Tour Eiffel… Some call-it a hip-hop & techno inspired mash-up style - it looks mostly like accelerated "voguing" by glam-rock & punkish looking youths, from where I'm standing.

Yoann proceeded to educate me on the origins of the movement: the legend says it was created by a bunch of bored kids who started to come up with new dance moves in a suburban nightclub called the Metropolis - and let me take a moment here to explain how surprising this sounds, considering back in my day, the Metropolis was one of those dreadful venues where you'd usually end up if a/ you'd missed the last metro into town and were therefore condemned to an evening with all the losers that hang on the edges of the city - b/ you were underage, and / or had been turned down by absolutely every other club - c/ you'd been dragged there against your better judgement by a bunch of your girlfriends who got you drunk on rum in order to render you less hostile, and been sentenced to an evening surrounded by the strangest mix of spotty youngsters and questionable looking older men in shiny polyester suits. But I digress. The reality is more likely to have something to do with the two boy-geniuses credited with launching the movement (and making a mint from it all), through their club night and subsequent clothing line called TCK - nowadays other specialist shops have opened their doors to the 15-25 year old fans of the craze who can live, breathe, have their hair done and get all their kicks in a strictly Tecktonik fashion.

As far as I can gather, public opinion is evenly divided on tecktonik between those who see this as a laughable no-future fashion glitch for a mostly young, white, suburban middle class crowd (despite the fact that the trend has existed for several years now, and managed to spread from the Parisian burbs all the way to Belgium, Germany and Northern Italy, largely thanks to YouTube) and those who applaud the good-natured enthusiasm of its followers. Personally, seeing these young boys and girls with their brightly coloured skinny jeans, spiky belts and ironic haircuts rehearsing their moves in the R.E.R made me laugh more than anything else - ok, mostly with them, but still sometimes at them. The music may be dreadful and the dancing itself may leave some feeling dubious, but I do like the fact that the "teams" - as they are known - take over the streets of Paris on a whim, and manage to remain optimistic in a nation known for being so critical and for not necessarily encouraging individual expression. You may get away with wearing a mullet in London, but in Paris let me tell you, it's an actual act of courage to go out dressed as these kids do. It's also interesting that their introduction to dance music and club culture is strictly innocent (and rather athletic) - quite a change from the drug-fuelled early 90's rave scene from whence techno & dance music once took off. So I am poised and ready to see what the future holds for Techtonik and its addicts - last I saw, it was being embraced by the mainstream French media and pop song routines were being choreographed to include the brand new moves. So here we go. In Eastern Europe in the meantime, there's always the "jumpstyle" craze…

Nappy Boy...and Pretty Boy

This doesnt need much explaining. T Pain, rap nerds in high school, the ridiculous moment when the booty goes by and everything grinds to a halt. Pretty amazing. Happy holidays!

The Current Influx of I Love NY T-shirts in London

OK.....I'm not normally one to gripe about things which in the larger scheme of things don't really matter or have any relevance - OK, yeah I am............but WTF is with all these cats in London rocking I heart NY Tees?

If these cats had actually been to NY and loved it and got the tee then its all good, but 90% of the people are only rocking that shit cos some D-list celeb appeared in Heat Magazine coming out of Chinawhites at 3am high as a muthafucka rocking one....so they then thought "that's so cool" and went to Top Shop and brought one

Come correct with that shit.......This is Clapham Common not Central Park ni**az

I got an idea....I am going to start my own t-shirt range called "I heart pussy". I am going to rock that shit all the time and it will sell in droves. The difference is I do Heart pussy, I was born out of one and wanna die whilst in one......and not rocking it cos some guy that used to be on Hollyoaks but now mimes tunes of the Album Chart show wears one 5 days a week!!!!

rant over

One for Trill

He blows my mind.

Hip-Opera: A History

Having recently experienced the pure insanity and operatic drama of R Kelly's new series of Trapped In The Closet chapters, and once Id stopped laughing hysterically, I felt a strange tinge of deja vu. It was as if Id seen this all somewhere before, but couldnt quite place where.

Then, as Trillion and I were watching the VH1 Behind The Music special, 'The Isley Brothers: Dentures Are As Pimpin As Grills', it hit me. That R Kelly! He'd been working on scripts involving bizarre love triangles for years! The blueprint for TITC had been right under our noses all along. Ever since he worked on Kelly Price's forgotten video masterpiece 'Friend Of Mine' with none other than Ron Isley (and dentures) appearing in the starring role of old time gangster, Mr Big.

It has to be one of the most epic visual episodes in late 90's rnb, and undoubtedly one of director Hype Williams' finest moments.

A cautionary tale of love, loyalty and gangster living - a classic example of early hip-opera.

The Mike Strutter Quote of the Week

This guys words need to be etched in stone like the 10 Commandments or some shit!!!

On the subject of J.Lo he states: "I dunno what she is more famous for - her movies, her music or her ass. But one thing I am sure of - all 3 smell like fucking shit!!!"

Strutter for president!!!!

Wamp the Fuck

Any band that can make the most soulless and corporate "festival" such as the O2 Wireless Advert in the Park enjoyable need knighthoods. Daft Punk are ineligible of this rightful honour because of their Gallic-ness but are still the best thing to happen to French dance music in the last 1000 years, waaay better than Justice... I want to see them play live, unfortunately their rig alone costs a cool £125,000 to hire in and with their fee on top, the only way a promoter could put them on in London if it's on at the dome... Do it Goldsmith, do it!!!! Need more persuasion?
check this



www.eyebrowy.com - yeah, it got bumped pretty big in one of the broadsheets this week, but it still has it's good points... the end of this episode for example made me get all excited with Radiohead Geek Joy.


Charlie Brooker is also pretty high up on my list of people who are so fucking cool that you start to conjur up highly improbable ways you could meet them and ingratiate yourself into their 'matey mates' circle whilst clucking with joy on the bus in mid-thought. He's on that soon-to-be-axed-apparently BBCFour channel on Tuesday nights.

One more thing: THE SCALA IS SHIT!! The sound is fucking terrible. So bad it made me leave half way through a gig, walking away from one of my favourite producers, Prefuse 73, they also ruined a live band that you could see would be wicked at a decent venue, Chrome Hoof . Scala you Wankers! You've got a nice big venue, so spend some money on your fucking rig!

I LOVE PUSSY

Growing up is an interesting thing. On the surface it may seem like childhood is a simple time. Don't be fooled though, there is never again a period in your life when so much information is absorbed. As a child your mind is literally a sponge. Everything that happens to you during those early years shape you as a person. What I want to discuss is one of the most interesting traits of child development; pet preference. Much like South Africa during the cruel period of Apartheid, people are split into two groups. Cat people, and dog people. Of course, you will find some people who will proudly claim they love both. Do not trust these people. I class them in the same category as bi-sexual men. ie: a person simply not able to come to terms with the fact they prefer cock to cunt. Indecisiveness is a terrible trait in a human being. Note, I don't class bi-sexual women in this category, because a women that likes both plug and socket action is just plain sexy.

Pet preference is something programmed in at an early age, and like Lou Gehrig's Disease, it's usually hereditary. Your parents will most likely have a cat or dog in the house, and you'll learn to love the little scamp until he's eventually crushed beneath the wheels of a speeding DHL delivery van. You already know of course there "ain't no mountain high enough" to keep a DHL van driver from delivering his package on time, and that includes beloved family pets that wander into the road. Business is business. So, you return home from school one day to find out the beloved family pet has up and left you to live on a farm. The bastard. You vow to never again trust animals of the four legged variety, but try as you might, the seed is planted and eventually when you leave the nest to build your own life, you'll begin to crave to company of something small and furry.

I should say at this point, I have so far only mentioned dogs and cats. There are of course many other pet options in the world, however... If a person owns a spider/snake/lizard, they are clearly a goth. If they own a chinchilla/ferret/rat they are a hippie, and if they they own a rabbit/hamster/gerbil they are probably an 8 year old girl. As we all know already none of these groups of people should be trusted, especially 8 year old girls. Watch any 70's horror film to understand why. Oh, and if you own a tortoise then you are just fucking weird, because quite frankly what's the point of owning an animal that hasn't evolved in over 200 million years, hibernates 6 months of the year, and looks like a rock. At least you can use a real rock as a paperweight, or as a defensive weapon against a demonically possessed 8 year old girl.

Much like the geek debate of which is better, mac or pc, argument has raged for years on which is the better pet, cats or dogs. Where as the mac vs pc question can never be definitively answered (unless all the pc users were rounded up and shot - something I believe we should seriously consider), the fierce cat vs dog debate can - and I am here to settle it once and for all...

The best way to format the argument is using the same rating system you might employ when looking for a new partner.

Intelligence

Cats:

Very clever, quite possibly more clever than they let on. Have you ever seen a cat freak out when a postman delivers the mail? No, because it knows it's just the fucking postman!

Dogs:

Blue bus special. They run to fetch a stick even when you don't throw it. It will try and hump your leg. It will mistake it's own vomit for food. It doesn't even bury it's own shit - possibly because it plans on eating it later...

Maintenance

Cats:

Low. Even if you don't feed it it'll walk round until it finds someone that will. A cat is natures conman. Like a human conman, a cat carefully select it's mark and then takes full advantage of their kindness. Usually a flash of those adorable big eyes and the figure of eight style leg brush accompanied by a loud purr is all it takes to obtain all the food it can eat.

Dogs:

A dog needs exercise every day, usually in the form of a walk. However, much like supermarket trolley person, needs constant supervision in order to prevent it from just wandering off and never returning. It also requires you to follow it around with a plastic bag incase it decides to empty it's bowels. Personally I would cite evolution as a definitive reason I shouldn't be walking behind an animal in order to pick up it's rancid shit in an inside out tesco carrier bag.

Looks

Cats:

All kittens are cute. FACT! Even the sound they make is adorable. Mewww, Mewww. They just beg to be picked up and hugged. Cats are so devious it wouldn't surprise me if they hadn't evolved that way specifically to endear themselves to humans. I mean, lets face it, once a cat has entered the home and setup shop it's pretty much living on easy street. As they get older they lose little of their cuteness, aging like fine hollywood actresses.

Dogs:

I will admit, puppies are cute, at least some of them. One of those Andrex puppies for example. However, they grow up fast, and in a matter of weeks you have something looking more like a dog. No matter how nice a dog looks, it's hard to remove the images of shit from your head. It's like looking at a high class hooker. As amazing as she looks in that micro mini and halter top, you can't rid yourself of the image of her cute little box being stuffed with more bratwurst than a german hotdog concession. Enough to put anyone off. I'm talking about dogs again now, although the same applies to ladies of the night.

Cats - 4, Dogs - Nil.

So, what have we learned? Well, if you are looking for an addition to your household that's stupid, requires constant attention, will drool on all your belongings, and shit indiscriminately - then you might as well adopt a disabled child. At least they come with a sweet list of government hand outs that could help you afford that 50" Plasma you have had your eye on in Dixons.

Otherwise, like so much in life, the smart money is always on the pussy!